bandagedfool | IC Contact || Duplicity

All answers to that question were either too vulnerable, might sound like a joke altogether, or would be a lie fabricated to prove some point that Dazai really didn't mean. The one blessing was that Jouno couldn't see him, couldn't see the way Dazai looked at him tonight. Not with sympathy or thinking him pathetic, but just genuine feelings of... some variety.

Dazai refuses to label them.

Folding the uniform jacket in his lap for the train ride, Dazai takes a moment to think on the answer. How much of this would Jouno remember in the morning? Hard to tell, without knowing how much alcohol he actually consumed.

"We have a lot in common." That wasn't a good enough answer and he knew it. "You remind me of myself, in a lot of ways. I've been in that position before, back home, before I joined the ADA... except I didn't have anyone to help me get home at the time." Not that he had much to call home, during that time in his life. He was all alone, and as Jouno already knew and picked at him for, he was constantly lonely, unable to quench it even when he spent time around others.

"Nostalgia, I suppose." With a thoughtful hum, Dazai reaches around Jouno, sticking his hand into the far pocket of his own jacket, pulling out that small baggie of snacks. With that momentary closeness again, Jouno would most likely be able to feel the warmth coming from Dazai. He warmed up quickly once they were inside, even without his jacket.

The tell-tale sound of the bag opening is punctuated by a small, soft crunch as Dazai pops a snack into his mouth. The bag is held in his lap, open for Joun to steal some if he wished.

"Mmh. Plus. I've dragged Yosano-san to bed a few times from the bars." That is to say: it's something he does for friends.

Jouno isn't sure how to feel about Dazai's answer. The fact that they're similar has always struck him as odd, but he'd preferred not to think too much about it. They may have similarities, but there were glaring differences as well. Jouno wanted to cling to the differences to keep from feeling any sense of comradery.

The warmth, though, draws him in like a moth to a flame. Jouno is freezing, even inside the train. His work jacket had been thicker to accommodate for his senses. Dazai's jacket helped, but only so much. He leans in against Dazai, soaking up the warmth from the other.

"I'm not lonely." It's a small complaint, and they both know it isn't true. Jouno is lost without Tetchou, the man who'd been at his side as his partner for over six years. As much as Jouno was loathe to admit it, the Hunting Dogs had been a family. He'd had the very friends he swore not to care about.

The snacks smell good, and Jouno reaches over with a gloved hand to pluck one out of the bag. Yes, he's hungry now. Hungry and miserable and drunk. He's more composed when he tries to eat -- or at least, he attempts to appear to be. In the end, he misses his mouth on the first try. It takes a second attempt to actually succeed.

"Why did you leave the Port Mafia?" He hadn't asked when Dazai had been asking questions about his past because admittedly, he didn't want to think too much about it. But now, together like this, it seemed very relevant.

The complaint isn’t refute or commented on. It was too obvious that they were the same in this way too, both yearning for a little bit more of something, anything, to cure that loneliness that burned within their chests.

As Jouno shifts closer, Dazai adjusts how he’s sitting to make it easier on him. For now, he keeps his arm from moving around Jouno to pull him closer. That… would bring attention to the moment, and Jouno would most likely pull back then, complain about how Dazai didn’t have the right to touch him - or something like that.

Besides, Dazai’s focus is mainly on the question asked of him. ‘Why did you leave the Port Mafia?’ It’s a question he’s more than familiar with at this point, with more answers than questions. Should he give the full explanation, or the simple one that everyone would get if they asked? The joke answer, or the one that made him look truly pathetic?

It’s likely Jouno would forget this whole conversation by morning.

“A good friend of mine, a low-ranking mafioso… he was intentionally pushed to lead a suicidal charge against one of our enemies in a large conflict. His last request was what made me leave the Port Mafia.” Dazai half-shrugs, as if it’s nothing to talk about someone’s death like this. “He wanted me to become a good human being. To be someone who would save the weak. Protect orphans.”

“So I left the Port Mafia. Laid low for two years, spent a lot of time drinking. Then I joined the Agency, to work on what he asked of me.”

“…I’m not sure I’ve met his expectations yet.”

Not many ever heard the true story. Maybe he only felt comfortable talking about it now due to Jouno’s current state? Whatever the reason… it felt weird, to say all that out loud.

The answer is more honest than Jouno expected, and for a moment, he's simply silent. The weight of the confession isn't lost on him, even in his current state. Finally, he settles for, "Living up to someone's expectations is a daunting task."

He cannot relate exactly. He's only ever wanted to live up to the Captain's expectations, only to realize that those were not what he'd expected. He'd had that rug pulled out from under him.

"Is it you?" he asks the question, leaning his head back against the train seat. It's vague, and his elaboration only helps a little bit: "I don't think it's me. I like it. Saving the weak and protecting the orphans, but..." Ultimately, Jouno is society's evil. All the good is second place to the harm he causes, and there is no escaping that fate.

He'd thought he'd done it back home, when he'd stood up to Fukuchi. He'd only ended up impaled and skewered, then brought here to a place that just dragged him back down. "In the end, I am just a wicked man."

It's true that it was a daunting task - one that, on occasion, Dazai wasn't sure he could complete. At heart, he's a manipulative asshole who does anything for his own gain, using people as if they were his own playthings and then tossing them to the side once he got bored with them.

"Are you?" Dazai asks a question in return, instead of answering that one right off. He spares a glance towards Jouno. "If you like it, then it could easily be you, Jouno-san. I don't think you're as wicked as you think." Well, to an extent. Jouno was as sadistic as Dazai himself. Ultimately, he thought he was on the right side of justice. Wasn't that enough?

"But, me," Dazai continues, popping another snack in his mouth as he thinks of how to answer that. "I don't care much for 'good' or 'bad' or what side I'm on. In the end, nothing changes. There's not much reason to live in the first place. At least now, I have somewhat of a purpose. A promise to fulfill." If Oda could do it, could be a changed man after killing as a career, a mafioso who didn't kill, someone who became good and even adopted five children, to help make the world a little better for them...

"If it's me or not me, that doesn't matter. I have to keep trying, to make it me. You should too, if you like being 'good'. I don't think it's out of reach, for either of us."

"I thought Tetchou-san was the only one stupid enough to have that much faith in me," Jouno comments with a low laugh. Tetchou, who wholeheartedly believed that Jouno was good.

"But maybe you're right. Maybe it isn't out of reach for either of us." He'd read Dazai's list of crimes; he knew well what Dazai had done over his years in the mafia. If Dazai could be redeemed, then perhaps there really was hope for him, too. Not that it would be easy, especially with how he'd already dug his grave here in Duplicity as far as their fellow LIERs were concerned.

"I like the feeling of helping people. Hearing them thank me." It was self-serving still, he knew. It was all about him, and what he felt after hearing praise. "But I don't know how to do that here." The natives of Duplicity were fine with what Jouno did, but they didn't thank him. Then there were the LIERs who were obviously against every move he'd made since arriving...

He takes another handful of the snack and eats it. "It's this place, too," he comments through a mouth full of food. "It does things to us. I've done things here that I wouldn't have done for a long time back home."

"If I didn't have faith in you, I couldn't have faith in myself either." It was, really, a self-serving method of thinking. Maybe that would get through to Jouno, through his thick head? Not that Dazai really cared whether Jouno felt better about himself or not. That wasn't the goal of tonight.

A soft hum leaves Dazai as he thinks on Jouno's dilemma. There was a simple answer, one that he knew wasn't exactly helping people or being 'good' here. More an avoidance of the very problem he had.

"Me too," The small admittance falls from his lips before he can actually offer advice. Not that Jouno asked for advice in the first place, of course, but Dazai still tended to offer words even when no one asked. Being here, being in this place... Dazai could completely relate to it messing with his head, messing with his morals and who he wanted to be, turning those upside down. "I doubt I would've killed you if we were here. Not as a first resort."

With that little confession, Dazai shakes his head, shifting to lean some of his own weight against Jouno.

"While here, it's the best we can do to not backslide into those old habits too much."

"It's useless to feel guilty for something you can't help. Being in a place like this, unable to leave, with so many things it does to us. It's all we can do to survive. Right?" Dazai suggests casually.

Duplicity affects everyone, Jouno thinks. It makes sense why the LIERs have banded together the way that they have, but Jouno has never done that -- at least, he hadn't before he'd joined the Hunting Dogs. He's relieved, in a sense, that it bothers Dazai, too. He's not the only one suffering with his inner desire -- though it's ironic that in a city like this, he's less concerned about the sexual aspect of it all and more concerned with his violence.

But violence is at the very core of who Jouno is, much more so than sex could ever hope to be.

"You shouldn't have killed me even as a last resort," he protests, speaking annoyed around his mouthful of food. "We're not all suicidal maniacs. Some of us would prefer to get to live for a change."

The shift in weight is strangely comfortable, so Jouno doesn't shove him off like he might have if he'd been sober. Jouno sighs and rests his head on Dazai's shoulder, an action he will later deny ever happened.

"I suppose so." Survival was something that Jouno used to think he was good at, before Fukuchi had stabbed him several times. Now, it feels like a constant struggle. "I do have to say, my... toys back home would cry or scream, but here it's different, too. They moan instead, and I have to admit I'm conflicted. I don't care for it, really." He much prefers true suffering to someone enjoying the torment he causes. "But is it really so evil of me if they're pleasured in the process? There's a balance, isn't there? Between what I am and... more consensual sadism?"

"If I didn't kill you, how the hell would I have helped you? It's not like I know anyone who has some amazing healing ability who's actually around here." Dazai complains at the protest, even if his focus wasn't truly on that.

His focus was wholly and completely on the way Jouno rested his head on his shoulder. This was the closest they'd ever been without one of them threatening the other. Without any manipulation, without just using each other for quota. It's impossible for Dazai to keep the blood from rushing to his face. Thank god Jouno couldn't see it - granted, he was probably able to feel the heat practically radiating off his face now, with how close their faces were.

The way the conversation was headed did not help whatsoever.

Luckily for Dazai, he was able to talk about sex pretty casually, without getting all that flustered. Maybe Jouno would mistake the flush for the conversation instead of anything else; that'd be far more preferred.

"Mm, I think so." There was definitely a balance between all things. Masochism and sadism was one of those things that could be balanced. "If they enjoy it and it's consensual, then, no way can you be considered evil. And, hey!" Dazai taps Jouno's leg briefly with his hand for emphasis, "If you want someone who'll suffer, you should hurt me more. You said yourself, I'm your Submissive here. You can do whatever you want to me."

"I dislike pain, even if in more recent years I've enjoyed it more. But, but, but!" Dazai grins, "I could teach you more about that balance... AND I can handle more than the average plaything. If you want, the offer's there."

"I don't know," Jouno admits. He'd been too far gone to save normally, and while there were probably people with abilities similar to Yosano in the city, there was no guarantee that they'd be willing to help him. He dislikes dying, though, be it here or back home, and would prefer to avoid it if at all possible.

Had Jouno been sober, he very much would have noticed the light blush gracing Dazai's cheeks. Drunk, though, his senses were off and he was more normal about things.

"I don't enjoy it as much when they enjoy it, too," Jouno admits with a displeased sigh, "but I suppose I have to adjust if I want to make it in this city." His job certainly made people miserable, but it was nothing like his work back home. He'd have to change to keep himself out of trouble.

Dazai's offer is tempting at least -- someone who dislikes pain but will let them hurt him anyway. Still, Jouno isn't sure, if only because he can't figure out why Dazai is being so kind to him. Was it really nostalgia? The bond they shared due to similar backgrounds? It was hard to say.

"Why are you offering?" The question escapes his lips before he can filter it.

Jouno didn't call out the light blush - so he either didn't notice or didn't care at the moment. That was a plus for Dazai, making it easy for him to ignore his own feelings for the moment, as he didn't need to explain himself or find some excuse.

Instead, he needed to find an answer for the unfiltered question, dropped in front of him without a thought. In the same way, the answer wouldn't be thought about, it would slip out unfiltered before Dazai could think more about his answer, before he could sugar coat it to make it sound less bad than it did.

"Simple," Dazai begins, "I'm bored."

With that answer, Dazai sighs, sounding content. What better answer could he have given? That he liked Jouno? Was interested in him and would do anything to have his attention? No, those wouldn't be truthful. Would they?

"And it could be fun. Something to entertain me for a little while." An offhanded addition, seemingly unimportant to add in his opinion.

The answer, simple as it is, comforts Jouno in a way. If Dazai is just bored, then things can carry on as they have between them. No strings attached. Jouno is far too paranoid to trust someone, much less someone with a background similar to his own. They may both be trying to turn a new leaf, but they're only capable of so much.

"Fine," Jouno agrees, a verbal contract. He'll go along with Dazai's plan for now.

The train comes to a stop, and he's not so drunk that he doesn't feel the shift in movement. Pushing himself into a sitting position, he tries to sit up straight. It's slightly lopsided instead, still half-leaning against Dazai's shoulder.

"Ugh, just take me home," he complains. "My head is spinning."

A verbal contract is all they needed. Good, a new form of relationship would begin between them. Not one that would require any strings attached or anything in writing. Simply... something more fun, something where they could both hopefully relax into it. Something that felt more normal than they were used to here.

The train comes to a stop that feels somehow a little more harsh than usual. Maybe due to Jouno's struggle?
Carefully, Dazai shifts to wrap his arm around Jouno's shoulders, with the silent excuse of needing to assist the other man. His other hand, the free one, grasps Jouno's uniform jacket, to make sure he didn't lose that here on the train.

"We're going, we're going!" It's not too hard to help Jouno stand. Out the train they go!

Thankfully, the walk doesn't take the two of them too long, before they reach the apartments. With one hand, Dazai manages to get out a key, unlocking the apartment door for Jouno.

"Home sweet home." Dazai says, once the door is pushed open!

Jouno is heavy against Dazai as they walk, carefully counting his steps. It's usually second nature to navigate from the train to his apartment, even blind, but tonight, it's all the more difficult. Fortunately, with the other's help, he makes it and he's all too relieved to pull away from Dazai and work on removing his boots.

The laces prove to be more than he's capable of at the moment though, so instead, he simply slumps down on the floor. Back against the wall, he raises his foot, a quiet cry for help. It seems he's enlisting Dazai's aid for even this at the moment.

Oh, he still needed him?

Dazai kicked off his own shoes unceremoniously, only leaning down briefly to set them into their right spot, to avoid having Jouno trip over them. Only then did he notice the struggle Jouno had been having, his eyes wandering down to the boots, and the way Jouno was silently asking for help.

It would be hilarious to leave him to struggle there in the entranceway.

With that thought in mind, Dazai kneels down in front of him. "I've got it." He murmurs, his hands carefully moving to get working. One hand rests against the back of Jouno's ankle, holding his leg and boot in place as his other hand slowly undoes the laces. Once the laces were undone enough, he carefully pulls Jouno's boot off. The process is then repeated with the other shoe, a soft hum being the only sound that Dazai makes as he took care of this for Jouno.

Even drunk, Jouno can still hear the careful way Dazai unlaces his boots. It's slow and deliberate, but Jouno doubts that Dazai is aware what he's doing to him -- Jouno has always had a thing for being served, after all.

He waits until Dazai is finished unlacing and removing his boots before he reaches forward and grabs him by the collar with a gloved hand. Jouno is drunk, angry, and now he just wants to get laid. Dazai will do for that. They'd just made their new agreement, even, so perhaps it could get interesting...

He forces Dazai into a bruising kiss, all but pulling Dazai down to his level on the floor. It's not the ideal place for this, but in his drunken stupor, Jouno also doesn't think that it's the worst.

As Jouno suspects, Dazai had no clue what he was doing, or that Jouno was into something so simple. Something that took little effort to pull off. After all, Dazai was used to serving others, in another life.

Being unaware had its perks. Being tugged in so hard, forcing Dazai down onto the floor with him, and dragging him into that kiss -- it's enough to make anyone melt. There was a hint of desperation, desire.

His hands had to steady him, he needed somewhere to put them. They end up against Jouno's shoulders, pressing him harder against the wall he was leaning up on. The kiss is returned in the same manner as it began, Dazai's energy easily matching Jouno's.

Dazai's fingers wander, beginning to pull off the jacket he'd given Jouno while they were out. For now, he was following Jouno's lead.

Jouno's back presses against the wall, further pushed by Dazai's hands. He doesn't mind the contact, enjoys it even. His own hands move to settle on Dazai, one on his shoulder and the other on his hip. The coat slides down his arms, but he doesn't move to let it be tugged off entirely yet.

Instead, he's focused on the kiss, his lips parting sloppily. It's not the usual graceful kiss that Dazai is used to from him. It's messy and hungry, hot and wet.

The hand on Dazai's shoulder shifts, moving to cover Dazai's throat, long fingers wrapping around it. He squeezes, not so hard as to really hurt Dazai, but certainly enough to cut off his airflow. He keeps their lips locked, never breaking the kiss even as he chokes him.

Dazai's not sure how they ended up in this position, but he sure as hell wasn't about to complain about it. Nothing about this was graceful. It was messy, hurried. Feverish, in a way that none of the kisses they'd shared in recent months had been.

The way he was pulled down, Dazai's knee was already between the other man's legs, making it easy for him to shift and press his knee against Jouno's crotch, as he parts his lips. In the same moment, Jouno would be able to feel the shudder that runs down Dazai's back as his airflow is cut off.

Still, Dazai doesn't pull back. This doesn't deter him whatsoever. Tilting his head to deepen the kiss, he lets his hands continue to wander, now wandering further down to begin to unbutton his shirt.

IC Contact || Duplicity

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject