bandagedfool | IC Contact || Duplicity

no no its a beautiful thing
havent u ever thought about it? the romance of it!!

I've fought tooth and nail to stay alive
There's nothing romantic about a collection of bloated corpses

maybe not a collection of bloated corpses, but the ppl those corpses were before

if we all have to die sometime, isn't it better to do it side by side with someone who thinks the same as u? then u can make sure u arent alone when u die, u can choose everything about it

You're too idealistic

But I suppose I don't have the luxury of thinking how I'm going to die anymore
I'll either be cut down like I was at home or I'll rot from the inside out

[ Neither of his options were how Jouno would choose to go. ]

Is it about control for you then

someone cut u down?

[ Dazai... really didn't know, and it wasn't like they SPOKE of home that often. ]

not control not rlly
do u even want to understand it lol, doesnt this all bore and annoy u

[ Ah, that. He hadn't really meant to mention it. He's glad that, for once, this is text and not an audio message. ]

Yes someone did

[ There's a brief pause. Does he want to understand it? Does he want to understand Dazai more than he already painstakingly does? ]

I find it fascinating to know why people think and act the way they do though I prefer to torture people to figure out how they tick
Consider the act of me asking instead of prying off your fingernails to discover what makes you break down a birthday gift

[ ... Dazai wasn't going to ask right now. A gift to Jouno, too, in a way. ]

oh
pls dont do that again yeah i do prefer this lol

[ At the same time... being asked directly by Jouno why he thought this way, why he continually attempted on his own life... was there an actual answer he could give the man without getting too far into it? ]

its simple, really
ive never seen a reason to live and im constantly at a loss for that "will to live" that some people seem to have. its why i joined the port mafia in the first place- to be exposed to the horrific sides of humanity, to see their inner nature, and find a reason to live through that. ive always been lonely, the world felt oppressive. i could never understand other people in the way they seemed to understand each other. its always felt like the right option

mm and a lot of life is boring! i can only rarely find smth that entertains me for long enough and even then its not like it rlly gives any value to life

[ Wow! That was depressing! Sorry Jouno! ]

or lol well in part i guess its a little related to control, since i hate the idea of a painful death!!! who would want to die PAINFULLY!!! ew!!

[ No, that.. doesn't help lighten what he just said. Oops. ]

[ Jouno isn't quite sure what to think of Dazai's brutally honest answer. It's what he asked for, but it also makes him realize they're more similar than he'd like to believe.

Jouno had found something in torture, in hearing people scream and cry, after losing his sight. Without that, he isn't sure where he'd be. Still, Dazai has tried all of that (minus the obvious of losing his vision) -- he was known for it in the mafia, after all.

Still, this is the sort of defeat that Jouno likes to indulge in. The twisted hopelessness where there's nothing left. He licks his lips; they feel painfully dry all of the sudden. ]

This side of you is interesting

[ Much better than the obnoxious fool that Dazai played the part of. ]

interesting, huh?
i think this might be the first time u have ever considered me interesting at all, woah

[ Was this....
Something that they could talk about, without Jouno pushing him to shut up and go away? What were Jouno's intentions here? He'd already mocked him, reminded him of his birthday, and now???

This was weird. He doesn't expect it to go much further, really. ]

IC Contact || Duplicity

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