bandagedfool | IC Contact || Duplicity

It's the gentle tap that catches Jouno's attention, and he raises his head, white, red-tipped hair falling in his face. Brushing a strand of hair from his eyes with a gloved hand -- he's still in his Sin Guard uniform, after all -- he sits up straight and turns to face Dazai.

The offer is met and appreciated as Jouno takes Dazai's arm with his hand, sliding off the barstool with a slight stumble. He's reluctant to rely on any support, but it's not as if he can navigate all the way from here to back to their home when he's like this. He leans against Dazai against his better judgment, using him to hold himself up.

Part of him is surprised that Dazai came at all. It wasn't as though they were friends or even friendly, really. Still, Jouno had no one else to text with Tetchou gone. He hadn't had much of a choice.

It'd be appropriate to thank Dazai for coming, but instead, all Jouno says is, "Yes. Let's."

Dazai wasn't a terrible person. At least, he was trying to be a better person, in the long run. Even if his past actions here in Duplicity didn't show that, it was still very much who Dazai was - someone who was trying to be good, trying to be on that side, instead of the evil and wretched.

Even if he and Jouno weren't on good terms. Even if they never viewed things in the same light or shared an opinion despite being so similar. Even if all Dazai did was taunt and poke fun at Jouno... Dazai was still going to treat him like he would one of his colleagues at the ADA; like someone he cared for. Someone equally on the side of what's right. That's part of why Dazai treated him the way he did, after all.

Not that Dazai would say that, ever. Still, in this moment, his actions probably gave some of that away. He could only hope that Jouno was so drunk he wouldn't remember this in the morning.

He's quiet as he leads Jouno out of the bar, waiting until they're out of the noise to even think of speaking again. He shifts his arm slightly, to make it easier for Jouno to rely on him. Not that Dazai was going to mention it or make it obvious. Who was he, a nice person? No.

"It'll take us a bit to get to the station," A casual mention, almost offhanded, "I brought water." He adds, tapping Jouno's hand with the bottle.

They were strikingly similar, save for the part where Dazai was slightly more successful at being a better person. Jouno tried and fell short every time, especially the longer he was in this city. His heroics back home meant nothing here, and he'd slipped and fallen so far while under the influence of Duplicity-style shenanigans that he felt like he'd never truly redeemed himself at all.

It's part of why he's drinking tonight.

As Dazai moves his arm, Jouno moves as well, leaning more heavily on him. There's a tap against his hand that Jouno realizes after a minute is a water bottle. Hesitantly, he grabs it and takes it from Dazai, raising it in front of his face and then uncapping it.

He smells it first. It smells fine, but Jouno can't imagine a world in which it is fine. So he hits Dazai in the chest with it and demands, "Drink first."

Why did Jouno want him to drink first—?

Oh. Right, there were plenty of drugs rampant in this city. They met here by Jouno drugging him with an aphrodisiac and leaving him there to fend for himself. If he’d thought about it, maybe he would’ve planned for this, added something into the water to get back at Jouno. Maybe he wouldn’t be acting so kind. Dazai, truly, had become a better person during his time with the ADA, as much as he thought he didn’t and as much as he followed through with his crueler urges.

The demand is a simple one. Drink first. Dazai grabs the bottle with his free hand, bringing it up to his lips and taking a long sip. Only after he finishes does he press the bottle back against Jouno’s hand, for him to take it back.

“For the record, I’d still drink it if I drugged it.” Dazai mentions, a light taunt that has no merit behind it. His heart rate was still steady, calm. He wasn’t getting flushed or hard from some sort of aphrodisiac— his bodily functions, at the very least, were normal even after taking a long sip.

Jouno drunkenly tries to very seriously focus on Dazai drinking the water from the bottle. It's hard when the sounds of the city are pounding against his ears. Sober, it's easy to sort through the sounds. Drunk, it becomes considerably less so.

But Dazai's heart sounds fine and Jouno doesn't smell anything off either. With a scowl, he takes the water and takes a small sip -- only for Dazai to make his quick quip. It earns a glare from Jouno, who can't focus on both glaring and walking at the moment. So he trips, stumbling further against Dazai and spilling water on his uniform.

"Ugh..."

While the drink was probably not drugged, Jouno still felt queasy just from the idea. "You're a real asshole," he comments, words slurring together as he waves the water bottle at Dazai. "I really will kill you."

Not that he was in any state to do that at the moment.

Shit. Some of the water spilled as Jouno trips, falling against Dazai. Thankfully, it was just water, nothing that would stain Jouno’s uniform and cause him to look unprofessional on his next day at work. However… it’s cold out, an unmistakeable chill nipping at the two of them. Dazai can’t help but realize that Jouno was probably going to catch a cold if he kept on the wet uniform jacket.

Dazai moves his arm to steady Jouno, a tiny smile coming to his face at the scene the drunken Jouno was making.

Stopping altogether for the moment, Dazai snatches the water bottle from Jouno, capping it to avoid more water being spilled haphazardly. “Promise?” He asks, as he all but tugs on Jouno’s uniform jacket to help show he wanted to get it off of Jouno. “You should try already! It’s been months and you haven’t made good on aaaaany of those threats.”

“How about you try tomorrow after work? It’ll be fun…~” Shifting, Dazai slips off his own jacket. “You’ll kill me, and I’ll finally get to experience the sweet release of death - for a while. Obviously less fun than a double suicide, buuuut…”

Finally, his intentions become clear as he moves on from joking around: “Give me yours. I’ll carry it. You’ll wear mine.”

Caught by Dazai, Jouno simply scowls at him, mad at himself for needing the help at all. He's too drunk to stop Dazai from removing his jacket, so he lets him pull it off of him and shivers. The night really is too cold, and Jouno has always been sensitive to temperature.

"Stupid," he mumbles. He doesn't understand Dazai's attraction towards death -- at least, not the end of it that Dazai wants to be on. It's the one place they differ. Jouno prefers killing, prefers controlling death. Experiencing it... not so much. "I've died twice now, and I must say I've found it to be rather lacking." There's a flash of his usual smile at Dazai, but it fades away into confusion when Dazai hands him his trench coat.

"You're scrawnier than me," Jouno points out, even though it really isn't by much. Still, Jouno has more muscle than Dazai does. Even so, he slides on the jacket and is surprised to find that the sleeves fit, even if they are a little tight. Cold, he wraps the jacket around himself. There's still no thank you, just a begrudging nod to the other man.

They're approaching the train at least. Jouno can hear it in the distance. He focuses on his footsteps to keep from stumbling again, holding on tightly to Dazai's arm to keep steady. It's embarrassing and he can only hope he forgets the entire thing in the morning.

Jouno's words didn't sting. Dazai was called stupid, foolish, dumb, and all sorts of other names by others on a daily basis. It was almost endearing to him, when he was called something cruel. Why would he stumble just because Jouno called him stupid, when he truly was?

"It's unfortunate that someone who can't appreciate it has been able to experience it more than once!" The complaint falls on deaf ears, most likely. No one shared his sentiment, the way he felt about death. Even he had changed how he'd felt about it. No longer was he as serious as he was when he was younger, even if he still made attempts at his own life.

A soft hum is the first response Jouno gets at his initial refusal, his mention of the obvious. "Doesn't matter." If Dazai got sick, that was fine. He wasn't the one who had to get up and go be a Sin Guard the following day. Suffering absolutely sucked, though, so if he did end up sick, Jouno would get an earful of complaints coming his way. Folding Jouno's jacket over his opposite arm, Dazai once again resumes their stance, allowing Jouno to cling to his arm.

This time, Dazai holds onto the water bottle, deciding it'd be best to let Jouno have more once they're sitting down on the train.

Rarely does Dazai fall quiet while the two of them are this close. In this moment, he doesn't speak much more until they reach the station, allowing Jouno to focus his attention on staying on his own two feet. Only when the two of them finally board the train and find a pair of seats does he press the bottle against Jouno's chest again and finally allows his own voice to cut through the silence between them.

"I didn't drug it. I know my word means nothing-- but, hey, I could've left you at that sketchy bar all alone! Trust me this once, 'kay?"

"I'd agree with calling it unfortunate." Jouno hadn't wanted to die either time. Even knowing, the second time, that he'd come back to life, he'd wanted to cling to life. There was something vulnerable about dying, something that he hated.

Dazai went quiet and Jouno followed suit, mostly focused on making sure he made it to the train. Still, a part of him had his mind racing -- why had Dazai offered to help him out? He wanted to ask, but he didn't want to look like an idiot.

They find seats and Jouno all but collapses into his. Pulling the long coat around himself, he tries to bundle up to keep warm on the train ride. It's miserable, really, being so sensitive to everything all of the time, and it's worse when he's drunk and not in control of it. Dazai speaks up and Jouno turns to face him, expression confused once more.

He takes the water, opening it again, and takes a sip. He trusts what Dazai is saying is true, and that confuses him moreso -- why is he trusting anyone right now? He should be on guard, be careful.

"Why didn't you?" he finally asks, after he swallows a large gulp of water down. It doesn't make sense to Jouno. Sure, Dazai is his Submissive, but that hardly compels him to take care of Jouno. Dazai still has free will, and Jouno has been little more than absolutely wretched to him. To everyone, really.

All answers to that question were either too vulnerable, might sound like a joke altogether, or would be a lie fabricated to prove some point that Dazai really didn't mean. The one blessing was that Jouno couldn't see him, couldn't see the way Dazai looked at him tonight. Not with sympathy or thinking him pathetic, but just genuine feelings of... some variety.

Dazai refuses to label them.

Folding the uniform jacket in his lap for the train ride, Dazai takes a moment to think on the answer. How much of this would Jouno remember in the morning? Hard to tell, without knowing how much alcohol he actually consumed.

"We have a lot in common." That wasn't a good enough answer and he knew it. "You remind me of myself, in a lot of ways. I've been in that position before, back home, before I joined the ADA... except I didn't have anyone to help me get home at the time." Not that he had much to call home, during that time in his life. He was all alone, and as Jouno already knew and picked at him for, he was constantly lonely, unable to quench it even when he spent time around others.

"Nostalgia, I suppose." With a thoughtful hum, Dazai reaches around Jouno, sticking his hand into the far pocket of his own jacket, pulling out that small baggie of snacks. With that momentary closeness again, Jouno would most likely be able to feel the warmth coming from Dazai. He warmed up quickly once they were inside, even without his jacket.

The tell-tale sound of the bag opening is punctuated by a small, soft crunch as Dazai pops a snack into his mouth. The bag is held in his lap, open for Joun to steal some if he wished.

"Mmh. Plus. I've dragged Yosano-san to bed a few times from the bars." That is to say: it's something he does for friends.

Jouno isn't sure how to feel about Dazai's answer. The fact that they're similar has always struck him as odd, but he'd preferred not to think too much about it. They may have similarities, but there were glaring differences as well. Jouno wanted to cling to the differences to keep from feeling any sense of comradery.

The warmth, though, draws him in like a moth to a flame. Jouno is freezing, even inside the train. His work jacket had been thicker to accommodate for his senses. Dazai's jacket helped, but only so much. He leans in against Dazai, soaking up the warmth from the other.

"I'm not lonely." It's a small complaint, and they both know it isn't true. Jouno is lost without Tetchou, the man who'd been at his side as his partner for over six years. As much as Jouno was loathe to admit it, the Hunting Dogs had been a family. He'd had the very friends he swore not to care about.

The snacks smell good, and Jouno reaches over with a gloved hand to pluck one out of the bag. Yes, he's hungry now. Hungry and miserable and drunk. He's more composed when he tries to eat -- or at least, he attempts to appear to be. In the end, he misses his mouth on the first try. It takes a second attempt to actually succeed.

"Why did you leave the Port Mafia?" He hadn't asked when Dazai had been asking questions about his past because admittedly, he didn't want to think too much about it. But now, together like this, it seemed very relevant.

The complaint isn’t refute or commented on. It was too obvious that they were the same in this way too, both yearning for a little bit more of something, anything, to cure that loneliness that burned within their chests.

As Jouno shifts closer, Dazai adjusts how he’s sitting to make it easier on him. For now, he keeps his arm from moving around Jouno to pull him closer. That… would bring attention to the moment, and Jouno would most likely pull back then, complain about how Dazai didn’t have the right to touch him - or something like that.

Besides, Dazai’s focus is mainly on the question asked of him. ‘Why did you leave the Port Mafia?’ It’s a question he’s more than familiar with at this point, with more answers than questions. Should he give the full explanation, or the simple one that everyone would get if they asked? The joke answer, or the one that made him look truly pathetic?

It’s likely Jouno would forget this whole conversation by morning.

“A good friend of mine, a low-ranking mafioso… he was intentionally pushed to lead a suicidal charge against one of our enemies in a large conflict. His last request was what made me leave the Port Mafia.” Dazai half-shrugs, as if it’s nothing to talk about someone’s death like this. “He wanted me to become a good human being. To be someone who would save the weak. Protect orphans.”

“So I left the Port Mafia. Laid low for two years, spent a lot of time drinking. Then I joined the Agency, to work on what he asked of me.”

“…I’m not sure I’ve met his expectations yet.”

Not many ever heard the true story. Maybe he only felt comfortable talking about it now due to Jouno’s current state? Whatever the reason… it felt weird, to say all that out loud.

The answer is more honest than Jouno expected, and for a moment, he's simply silent. The weight of the confession isn't lost on him, even in his current state. Finally, he settles for, "Living up to someone's expectations is a daunting task."

He cannot relate exactly. He's only ever wanted to live up to the Captain's expectations, only to realize that those were not what he'd expected. He'd had that rug pulled out from under him.

"Is it you?" he asks the question, leaning his head back against the train seat. It's vague, and his elaboration only helps a little bit: "I don't think it's me. I like it. Saving the weak and protecting the orphans, but..." Ultimately, Jouno is society's evil. All the good is second place to the harm he causes, and there is no escaping that fate.

He'd thought he'd done it back home, when he'd stood up to Fukuchi. He'd only ended up impaled and skewered, then brought here to a place that just dragged him back down. "In the end, I am just a wicked man."

It's true that it was a daunting task - one that, on occasion, Dazai wasn't sure he could complete. At heart, he's a manipulative asshole who does anything for his own gain, using people as if they were his own playthings and then tossing them to the side once he got bored with them.

"Are you?" Dazai asks a question in return, instead of answering that one right off. He spares a glance towards Jouno. "If you like it, then it could easily be you, Jouno-san. I don't think you're as wicked as you think." Well, to an extent. Jouno was as sadistic as Dazai himself. Ultimately, he thought he was on the right side of justice. Wasn't that enough?

"But, me," Dazai continues, popping another snack in his mouth as he thinks of how to answer that. "I don't care much for 'good' or 'bad' or what side I'm on. In the end, nothing changes. There's not much reason to live in the first place. At least now, I have somewhat of a purpose. A promise to fulfill." If Oda could do it, could be a changed man after killing as a career, a mafioso who didn't kill, someone who became good and even adopted five children, to help make the world a little better for them...

"If it's me or not me, that doesn't matter. I have to keep trying, to make it me. You should too, if you like being 'good'. I don't think it's out of reach, for either of us."

"I thought Tetchou-san was the only one stupid enough to have that much faith in me," Jouno comments with a low laugh. Tetchou, who wholeheartedly believed that Jouno was good.

"But maybe you're right. Maybe it isn't out of reach for either of us." He'd read Dazai's list of crimes; he knew well what Dazai had done over his years in the mafia. If Dazai could be redeemed, then perhaps there really was hope for him, too. Not that it would be easy, especially with how he'd already dug his grave here in Duplicity as far as their fellow LIERs were concerned.

"I like the feeling of helping people. Hearing them thank me." It was self-serving still, he knew. It was all about him, and what he felt after hearing praise. "But I don't know how to do that here." The natives of Duplicity were fine with what Jouno did, but they didn't thank him. Then there were the LIERs who were obviously against every move he'd made since arriving...

He takes another handful of the snack and eats it. "It's this place, too," he comments through a mouth full of food. "It does things to us. I've done things here that I wouldn't have done for a long time back home."

"If I didn't have faith in you, I couldn't have faith in myself either." It was, really, a self-serving method of thinking. Maybe that would get through to Jouno, through his thick head? Not that Dazai really cared whether Jouno felt better about himself or not. That wasn't the goal of tonight.

A soft hum leaves Dazai as he thinks on Jouno's dilemma. There was a simple answer, one that he knew wasn't exactly helping people or being 'good' here. More an avoidance of the very problem he had.

"Me too," The small admittance falls from his lips before he can actually offer advice. Not that Jouno asked for advice in the first place, of course, but Dazai still tended to offer words even when no one asked. Being here, being in this place... Dazai could completely relate to it messing with his head, messing with his morals and who he wanted to be, turning those upside down. "I doubt I would've killed you if we were here. Not as a first resort."

With that little confession, Dazai shakes his head, shifting to lean some of his own weight against Jouno.

"While here, it's the best we can do to not backslide into those old habits too much."

"It's useless to feel guilty for something you can't help. Being in a place like this, unable to leave, with so many things it does to us. It's all we can do to survive. Right?" Dazai suggests casually.

Duplicity affects everyone, Jouno thinks. It makes sense why the LIERs have banded together the way that they have, but Jouno has never done that -- at least, he hadn't before he'd joined the Hunting Dogs. He's relieved, in a sense, that it bothers Dazai, too. He's not the only one suffering with his inner desire -- though it's ironic that in a city like this, he's less concerned about the sexual aspect of it all and more concerned with his violence.

But violence is at the very core of who Jouno is, much more so than sex could ever hope to be.

"You shouldn't have killed me even as a last resort," he protests, speaking annoyed around his mouthful of food. "We're not all suicidal maniacs. Some of us would prefer to get to live for a change."

The shift in weight is strangely comfortable, so Jouno doesn't shove him off like he might have if he'd been sober. Jouno sighs and rests his head on Dazai's shoulder, an action he will later deny ever happened.

"I suppose so." Survival was something that Jouno used to think he was good at, before Fukuchi had stabbed him several times. Now, it feels like a constant struggle. "I do have to say, my... toys back home would cry or scream, but here it's different, too. They moan instead, and I have to admit I'm conflicted. I don't care for it, really." He much prefers true suffering to someone enjoying the torment he causes. "But is it really so evil of me if they're pleasured in the process? There's a balance, isn't there? Between what I am and... more consensual sadism?"

"If I didn't kill you, how the hell would I have helped you? It's not like I know anyone who has some amazing healing ability who's actually around here." Dazai complains at the protest, even if his focus wasn't truly on that.

His focus was wholly and completely on the way Jouno rested his head on his shoulder. This was the closest they'd ever been without one of them threatening the other. Without any manipulation, without just using each other for quota. It's impossible for Dazai to keep the blood from rushing to his face. Thank god Jouno couldn't see it - granted, he was probably able to feel the heat practically radiating off his face now, with how close their faces were.

The way the conversation was headed did not help whatsoever.

Luckily for Dazai, he was able to talk about sex pretty casually, without getting all that flustered. Maybe Jouno would mistake the flush for the conversation instead of anything else; that'd be far more preferred.

"Mm, I think so." There was definitely a balance between all things. Masochism and sadism was one of those things that could be balanced. "If they enjoy it and it's consensual, then, no way can you be considered evil. And, hey!" Dazai taps Jouno's leg briefly with his hand for emphasis, "If you want someone who'll suffer, you should hurt me more. You said yourself, I'm your Submissive here. You can do whatever you want to me."

"I dislike pain, even if in more recent years I've enjoyed it more. But, but, but!" Dazai grins, "I could teach you more about that balance... AND I can handle more than the average plaything. If you want, the offer's there."

"I don't know," Jouno admits. He'd been too far gone to save normally, and while there were probably people with abilities similar to Yosano in the city, there was no guarantee that they'd be willing to help him. He dislikes dying, though, be it here or back home, and would prefer to avoid it if at all possible.

Had Jouno been sober, he very much would have noticed the light blush gracing Dazai's cheeks. Drunk, though, his senses were off and he was more normal about things.

"I don't enjoy it as much when they enjoy it, too," Jouno admits with a displeased sigh, "but I suppose I have to adjust if I want to make it in this city." His job certainly made people miserable, but it was nothing like his work back home. He'd have to change to keep himself out of trouble.

Dazai's offer is tempting at least -- someone who dislikes pain but will let them hurt him anyway. Still, Jouno isn't sure, if only because he can't figure out why Dazai is being so kind to him. Was it really nostalgia? The bond they shared due to similar backgrounds? It was hard to say.

"Why are you offering?" The question escapes his lips before he can filter it.

Jouno didn't call out the light blush - so he either didn't notice or didn't care at the moment. That was a plus for Dazai, making it easy for him to ignore his own feelings for the moment, as he didn't need to explain himself or find some excuse.

Instead, he needed to find an answer for the unfiltered question, dropped in front of him without a thought. In the same way, the answer wouldn't be thought about, it would slip out unfiltered before Dazai could think more about his answer, before he could sugar coat it to make it sound less bad than it did.

"Simple," Dazai begins, "I'm bored."

With that answer, Dazai sighs, sounding content. What better answer could he have given? That he liked Jouno? Was interested in him and would do anything to have his attention? No, those wouldn't be truthful. Would they?

"And it could be fun. Something to entertain me for a little while." An offhanded addition, seemingly unimportant to add in his opinion.

The answer, simple as it is, comforts Jouno in a way. If Dazai is just bored, then things can carry on as they have between them. No strings attached. Jouno is far too paranoid to trust someone, much less someone with a background similar to his own. They may both be trying to turn a new leaf, but they're only capable of so much.

"Fine," Jouno agrees, a verbal contract. He'll go along with Dazai's plan for now.

The train comes to a stop, and he's not so drunk that he doesn't feel the shift in movement. Pushing himself into a sitting position, he tries to sit up straight. It's slightly lopsided instead, still half-leaning against Dazai's shoulder.

"Ugh, just take me home," he complains. "My head is spinning."

A verbal contract is all they needed. Good, a new form of relationship would begin between them. Not one that would require any strings attached or anything in writing. Simply... something more fun, something where they could both hopefully relax into it. Something that felt more normal than they were used to here.

The train comes to a stop that feels somehow a little more harsh than usual. Maybe due to Jouno's struggle?
Carefully, Dazai shifts to wrap his arm around Jouno's shoulders, with the silent excuse of needing to assist the other man. His other hand, the free one, grasps Jouno's uniform jacket, to make sure he didn't lose that here on the train.

"We're going, we're going!" It's not too hard to help Jouno stand. Out the train they go!

Thankfully, the walk doesn't take the two of them too long, before they reach the apartments. With one hand, Dazai manages to get out a key, unlocking the apartment door for Jouno.

"Home sweet home." Dazai says, once the door is pushed open!

Jouno is heavy against Dazai as they walk, carefully counting his steps. It's usually second nature to navigate from the train to his apartment, even blind, but tonight, it's all the more difficult. Fortunately, with the other's help, he makes it and he's all too relieved to pull away from Dazai and work on removing his boots.

The laces prove to be more than he's capable of at the moment though, so instead, he simply slumps down on the floor. Back against the wall, he raises his foot, a quiet cry for help. It seems he's enlisting Dazai's aid for even this at the moment.

Oh, he still needed him?

Dazai kicked off his own shoes unceremoniously, only leaning down briefly to set them into their right spot, to avoid having Jouno trip over them. Only then did he notice the struggle Jouno had been having, his eyes wandering down to the boots, and the way Jouno was silently asking for help.

It would be hilarious to leave him to struggle there in the entranceway.

With that thought in mind, Dazai kneels down in front of him. "I've got it." He murmurs, his hands carefully moving to get working. One hand rests against the back of Jouno's ankle, holding his leg and boot in place as his other hand slowly undoes the laces. Once the laces were undone enough, he carefully pulls Jouno's boot off. The process is then repeated with the other shoe, a soft hum being the only sound that Dazai makes as he took care of this for Jouno.

Even drunk, Jouno can still hear the careful way Dazai unlaces his boots. It's slow and deliberate, but Jouno doubts that Dazai is aware what he's doing to him -- Jouno has always had a thing for being served, after all.

He waits until Dazai is finished unlacing and removing his boots before he reaches forward and grabs him by the collar with a gloved hand. Jouno is drunk, angry, and now he just wants to get laid. Dazai will do for that. They'd just made their new agreement, even, so perhaps it could get interesting...

He forces Dazai into a bruising kiss, all but pulling Dazai down to his level on the floor. It's not the ideal place for this, but in his drunken stupor, Jouno also doesn't think that it's the worst.

IC Contact || Duplicity

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tw: suicide attempt ment

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